How To Care For A Difficult And Unpleasant Parent

It is the moral and ethical responsibility of children to look after their parents in old age; but it could be tough caring for a parent that has always been critical, self-centered, demanding, narcissistic, or uninvolved.

A few suggestions to care for a difficult and unpleasant parent:

• It is first very important to sit down in a quiet place and honestly think over the extent of physical, mental, emotional and financial support you could give the parent; it would be best to also discuss this issue with your spouse. You could also consider if you would want to take the help of professionals to care for their needs.

• It would next help to assess and evaluate your parent; it is best to take one’s own time and not come to sudden conclusions. Aim at making an objective assessment of your parent regarding the kind and amount of care; make an earnest effort to set aside your emotions, while identifying your parent’s most pressing needs. Wait a while if you have not recently met the parent.

• It would be best to go to your parents and find out if all is fine there; if the unpleasant parent needs help find out the extent to which he/she needs help and the extent to which you can help physically, emotionally and financially. If everything is fine than offer the level of support your parent wants or you can; you may have to do this multiple times with an unpleasant and difficult parent.

• It would be of enormous help to consult a qualified geriatric care manager that practices in the area; you could easily find one in New York who could visit your parent’s home and make appropriate and accurate recommendations. The visit would prove more valuable than just taking into consideration your opinion alone.  A care manager could help coordinate your parent's care; with some seniors being more receptive to them than their adult children. This would help you to get a professionals advice regarding the parent with just a phone call.  

• Arrange for outside help; but you may find that your difficult parent may with age sometimes prefer you to a stranger; think over your boundaries and render as much help as possible, knowing full well that once you make a change it is difficult to undo it.

• Lastly it is best to know that we all have limitations; it is best to be realistic about things. Remember things are not suddenly going to change. If you find care at home is not going to be feasible for both you and the parent, do not feel guilty and look for other alternatives like assisted living or nursing home care.

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